Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Getting Engaged is Life Altering...

and not just for the obvious reason. I knew a while ago that I wanted to spend my life with BabyCakes, have a family and grow old together.

What I didn't know was how much the act of organising a wedding and getting married was going to change me as a person. I've been thinking about so very much in the past few weeks, lots of it life changing.

I've had advice from all over the place that ranges from "Get eloped" to "Don't be afraid of picking what you actually want rather than what you think you can afford" and everything in-between. Mostly it has been at the elopement end of the scale - and usually from people who are married. There are of course two ways to read where this advice comes from.... those that have long had their weddings and have forgotten what it meant to them to have a wedding, or the voice of experience, those that have had the wedding and regretted spending that much money.

I never though I would spend a lot of money on a wedding, especially now that I have a mortgage. I did a "worst case scenario" budget last night, managing to find a way to keep the spending under $10,000. That doesn't include any honeymoon, photographer, car hire, favours or extended family at the wedding.

My Dad is one of six children, my Mum is one of four, my Step-Mum is one of six, I have four brothers, a stepbrother, a stepsister and a half sister.... nothing about my family is small. BabyCakes is one of four, his Mum is one of about eight (or more - lots of step brothers and sisters there), and his Dad is one of three. I have three grandparents still alive, BabyCakes doesn't.

Even without friends (and I think we're allowed friends), we have a lot of people to invite. It is confusing.

I grew up being taught how important family is. Not in a didactic way, but very very subtly, until it snuck up on me and it took someone else to point out how close we were for me to realise we were (thank you Wah!).

We moved a lot when we were kids, all across the country, and very regularly. Our family was our biggest constant growing up, sometimes that felt good, mostly as kids, that was bad......why couldn't that brother really get lost in the move? Now we (for the moment), are all over the country and even on the other side of the planet from each other, we've gained members since those bonding times, through marriage and relationships, but on the whole, we even socialise together.

I grew up to even like my family!

I'm joining another family, BabyCakes is joining mine yes, but I'm changing my name in commitment to his, to be a family ourselves.

I see that it is a big deal.

I want it to be a big deal.

Yes, it is money that doesn't seem very productive...

but it is important.

I don't plan on getting married again. I plan to get old and grey with BabyCakes. I plan to fight for our marriage. I plan to work it out, even when it hurts, and I plan to make my family with him the basis, the foundation of the rest of my life.

I want my friends and family to be there to witness this huge step in my life.

I want a kick arse party, the likes of which I'll never host again, and strange but true, I think I want that more than I want a new kitchen.

I don't think my tastes are so extravagant as to send us into debt for the start of our new life (well, not much more than we already are!).

Last year I wrote BabyCakes a poem for Valentines Day, the first time I'd ever sat down, brainstormed and wrote a poem. This year I felt bad that I had not done such a thing. I don't feel so bad now that I've cried through writing a post and found peace, but BabyCakes does that for me. I find peace with him often, and laughter, sometimes tears, but mostly laughter, and peace.

I'm glad I found BabyCakes, and I'm glad we're getting married.


The Wah said...


i didn't do anything.. i wasn't there at the time.. i have an alibi!

I am being framed, dagnabbit!


esie75 said...

Renee, this post is so sweet, and I believe it sums up so much about the important elements in a relationship, having fun together, and enjoying each other's company. A marriage can be hard work, but it is mostly a lot of fun, a time of sharing, caring, and laughter. Keep that in mind and you will navigate your marriage together well :)

In terms of the wedding, as I said to you, do what the both of you want, not what everyone else thinks or wants for you. It is your day, to celebrate your relationship. Don't scrimp on something if it is important to you.