Thursday, February 05, 2009

Love, Fear and Perfection.

Now, I admit I have a lot of hormones coursing through my body doing their funky thing, but WOW, BabyCakes and I made a beautiful baby. Now we just have to look after her until she can look after herself.

I know that there will be arguments and frustrations, and that at some stage she will loathe us and blame us for everything we did (and we're bound to do lots) that has totally ruined her life, but for right now, she is perfection. A pooing, weeing, burping, farting tiny tiny bundle of perfection. It takes my breath away sometimes, and depending on how much sleep I've had, she can stir so many varied emotions.

When I'm tired and generally sleep deprived, the responsibility of being so totally key to her survival inspires huge amounts of fear for the unknown, the possibility of how many ways a child can be hurt and harmed, and how I could despite all my best intentions fail her bubbles over and almost paralyses me.

When I've had more sleep, and feel calmer and more secure in myself the sheer awe, love and excitement I feel when I look at her is inspiring. I want to be a better person for her, I want her to have and be the very best I can offer her (and more), and I desperately want to nurture and love her and watch as she grows into her own person and take joy in that journey together.

I know most of these feelings will get buried in the mundanity of life, and I'll get caught up in survival over time. At this stage my whole day revolves around her needs because she can't do anything to help herself, but in time she'll grow and will start learning skills, and I'll go back to work, and the bills will keep getting paid and the world will happen around us.

This is such a small window of time, and such a magical one. So many firsts for her and us. I know from the outside it is easy to think that a week old baby has't changed much since they were born, but ask a parent and they'll be able to tell you all the milestones that have come and gone in the short space of time, and the milestones ahead to be faced each day.

Crazy chemicals, or the meaning of life. I don't care. It's an amazing roller coaster that is my whole life right now, and it is so wonderful.

And I don't care if it is really gas, I see a smile and it melts me.

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