Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Life Gets in the Way


Lots has happened since I last posted. The house purchase has gone unconditional. YAY! The tenant has given notice, and we have a moving date. We don't officially know that though until the house is ours.... and that will be next Wednesday. Double yay! Moving day is set for Saturday 10th of November which is almost more exciting.

The flat looks awful at the moment - we reclaimed everything from storage in an effort to save some money we didn't have to spend and we quite literally have boxes stacked up all over the place, and some messes arising from not having items that all completely fit into the boxes that have been packed - lots of "half-a-box-fulls" - that is what most of the mess is.

I started organising the services to be disconnected and reconnected which definitely makes things feel a lot more real, realer than the packing boxes everywhere.

For me, the last couple of days have been tough. Ever have moments that undermines your confidence so completely that it scares you? I do.

Up until a few days ago the working plan (always room for possible change), was that we get married and start not trying to not have kids. (re-read that if you have to, it will become clearer)

A couple of comments from different sources have made me feel scared and insular, and made me want to be selfish and safe. Walking round shopping centres and hearing parents and children, and children and children interact is also undermining to the tenuous desire to accept that I might do ok as a parent, that we'll find a way, that we will cope with parenthood.

Signing documents like a shared mortgage, thinking about what happens if something happens to one of us, life insurances, those looming mortgage payments... HUGE. Just plain huge, in anyway you look at them. A large part of me wants to hunker down, shut out the world and concentrate on making our home safe and secure for the two of us. I think that is quite natural. But I can't focus all my energy on that. We're planning a wedding, a honeymoon, thinking about kids.... I can also tell you that if we'd had that magic one dependent on the mortgage documents, I don't think we'd have had such a smooth loan application process.

I don't know.

I wanted to get some of my thoughts out of my head, to purge them. I have no idea what is happening next, I think I need to just concentrate on the next step, and do as best I can with that.


The Wah said...

My mother, (mother of three), pointed out to me that you should enjoy your early married life with each other. There will be time to have and cherish children in the future, if that is what you want to do. But remember to take time to have and cherish each other first.

Crazy Cat Lady said...

Indeed, thank you.

I take your point, and I agree, we do need time to be us.

I do feel the need to find the balance though. Did you know that children after the age of 35 are considered "late" babies? It is OK, things will happen when they happen, and we'll all deal as best we can!

Thanks also to C for the email, it was appreciated.